Gifts

Hi. everyone.

It's been a crazy week. It's been a crazy month. June was rough, too. I wrote previously about my grandfather being hospitalized and my feelings about that. It has been a struggle to say the least, at least emotionally, for me. My grandfather was walking into the hospital to have a heart stent replacement surgery and had a stroke on the spot. The only good thing I can say about the entire scenario, is that he was lucky to be in the hospital in the first place.

After a long hospital stay, he is not in a rehabilitation center and is preparing for open heart surgery, due to having "the widow maker." He has a nearly closed left heart valve. He still has a blood clot in his brain from the stroke. I went to see him a couple times while in the hospital and despite all of this crap, his discomfort, and all of the stress he is under. he greeted me and my rambunctious children with a smile, a hug and a scruffy kiss on the cheek and big hugs. His life is so great. Not his current circumstances, but his LIFE. His passion for life is extraordinary. Rather than trying to sleep, complaining about pain and shortness of breath, he entertained us all with his stories and his easy laugh - describing all of the sweets and Pennsylvania Dutch goodies that I can get from the farmer's market across the street from the rehab center.

Thank you, to the universe for sending this man into my life. This man (who is technically my step - grandfather) who gives of himself selflessly, over and over, until there is nothing left - and then he gives more. I only hope that as a human being. I can be more like him. I realized while sitting in his hospital room, what a gift he is; what a gift each of us can be to one another, if we only give of ourselves.

If you have been following my health and fitness journey, you know that I have now reach 63 pounds lost. I can now wear a medium t-shirt and panties, and large bottoms (my butt has grown and I LOVE it). You also know that this past month has seriously derailed my plans of hitting my goal weight by August. I have been dealing with some very real feelings of emptiness and hopelessness. I have been bingeing. I have been ignoring my own needs. I have been denying myself expressions of sorrow - largely surrounding my grandfather's major medical scare - which is truly ongoing. I am not in my darkest place today, but I am not at my brightest either. I feel less shiny these days and I know what will help. I need to get back on track. I have to.

Health and fitness are truly a matter of self care. I have to workout. I have to eat right. I have to stop punishing myself with food. I will get it together. I am starting AGAIN, today. It doesn't matter how many times you fall down - as long as you get back up again.

Today, I am standing up again and today I am choosing to smile (and mean it!).